Psychological Operations.

That’s one of the many disparate arenas I’ve been dropped into briefly during my varied work life.

It sounds nefarious. Like beaming lasers into the brains of enemies to incapacitate them. In reality, it’s about using messages to influence how a population feels and encouraging them to act in a desirable way.

Seems a lot like media and advertising, right?

You and I are on the receiving end of similar “operations” every day coming from various sources: Hollywood, our friends’ social media accounts, those online ads about catsuits that creepily follow us across multiple websites because of that one Google search we did when we were curious about the material composition of Lycra…

All of these influential sources tempt us into believing things about ourselves. We start to think we need perfect bodies, possessions, or titles to have a great life. Or that we need to wear more catsuits. Note: that is almost never the answer. For anyone.

As we enter a fresh new year, many of us are resolving to improve our lives somehow, but these psychological operations are not going to leave us alone. Am I saying we should not strive to earn titles, look our best, hunt for love, have children, and do all the things we are told we need for happiness? I am not. At least, I’m not saying those things are inherently bad. I’m saying why we pursue things is what we need to routinely keep in check. And how we feel about ourselves even without those things is even more important.

We can’t let the outer world dictate what we pursue, or determine our value. It’s our God-given inner worlds that should influence our desires, pursuits, and ultimately our worth. And paying more attention to our inner worlds — how we think about things and how we think about ourselves — is actually where greater happiness comes from.

Below are three things I’ve come across that help me when I start to get rocked by external influences.

1. Know yourself: You can Google everything else

I was listening to a podcast and the guest uttered the statement, “You gotta know yourself – you can google everything else!”

It stuck with me.

We are literally the only people on the planet who are allowed to be the premier expert in the subject of ourselves. No one else can ever possibly understand you more than you.

Hone that craft.

Research that subject (you) more and more. Get clear on your values, your dreams, even your pain points so that you can be the best steward of the knowledge only you were given: who you really are on the inside and what you’re capable of.

The more we understand our strengths, our worth, and our values, the better equipped we are to withstand the barrage of messages attacking us daily telling us we aren’t enough yet. We can also better understand why we let those messages bother us in the first place. What deep wound is it triggering? Can we work on the root of the issue? Would a catsuit help?

2. Worthiness is an inside job

I once read an Instagram post by Erica Williams Simon in which she said “Freedom and peace are inside jobs.” — meaning external factors can’t take away our inner freedom and inner peace. I think worthiness falls in that category as well.

It’s so tempting to blame external factors for our unhappiness but the truth is, it’s hard to feel happy if we don’t truly feel worthy. Even if we do get what we think we want to be happy, it’s unreliable. External factors change and as soon as we don’t get as many Likes on Instagram, or our boss berates us, or our spouse doesn’t notice the effort we put into dinner — bam! We are unhappy again.

But we really do have authority over our inner world. It is not easy. Past trauma, hormones, even DNA can make it more difficult to think positively, let go, believe in ourselves, etc. But it ultimately is something we can work to control and change. And if you believe you are worthy, just as you are, your happiness won’t be as tied to external validators that will always disappoint.

None of us can do this perfectly, however, so when we do get disappointed, we can lean on our last tip:

3. Hurt Efficiently

This is a phrase I found in a book called How to Be a Bawse.

Yes, I’m slightly embarrassed that I bought it, but I have to say, I walked away with a surprising number of takeaways from a book whose title spells boss with a w in it.

One thing that stuck with me was when the author mentioned the phrase: hurt efficiently.

I loved that phrase because it doesn’t say: ignore hurt.

It doesn’t say: try to avoid hurt altogether by playing it safe.

It simply conveys that pain and disappointment will find us, so we should acknowledge it, feel all the feelings, learn what lessons it has to teach us – and then move on.

We can’t wallow in the fact that something hurt us and caused us to feel like our life isn’t as perfect as the lives on social media or on billboards. We need to focus inward, feel the feelings, but then talk ourselves through it. Remember who we are and what really matters.

Try and treat failures, pain, and disappointments like a research project. How are you feeling? Why do you think that is? How can you use this set-back to get stronger or to practice a virtue that might ultimately make you a more solid human?

Yes, it’s super miserable, but emotional suffering is similar to muscle building. It isn’t fun in the moment, but I have learned it will make you stronger and better able to tackle life down the road. Granted, I haven’t actually been in a gym in weeks, so take my advice on muscle building with a grain of salt, but you get the idea. (Too bad fitness isn’t an inside job. I could neurotically overthink my way into shape so fast…)

Moral of the story: We will get psychologically operated on every day. The more we can turn inward, know ourselves, hurt efficiently, and be conscious of the real sources of our perceived lack, the happier we will be this new year. External factors will continue to conspire to make us feel less than, but worthiness — and happiness — is an inside job.