Let me start by saying I’m a big fan of:
setting sights on the things we want to do.
seeking out models of people like us who achieved what we’re hoping to achieve.
pushing open doors we find ourselves in front of because you never know what you might learn or who you might meet on the other side.
However.
There’s a real risk that comes with this life approach that is worth staying vigilant about: the comparison trap.
Under the surface of our perfectly healthy goal-setting is a hidden rip current. It’s the lure of “leveling up” endlessly because we keep comparing ourselves to others.
I’ve been pulled into this rip current myself at a couple points in my career. One of the ways I snap myself out of it comes from a surprising source: Frasier.
Comparing ourselves to others and the Platinum Door Effect
Frasier was a TV show in the 90’s and early 2000’s starring Kelsey Grammer. It followed the lives of two brothers in Seattle: both psychiatrists, both elitists. It doesn’t sound funny the way I explain it, but it really was.
There was one episode I always think of when I feel myself getting caught up in an unhealthy pursuit of “the next thing.” The episode demonstrated a concept I now refer to as: The Platinum Door Effect.
In this episode, Frasier accidentally gets his neighbor’s invitation to a new fancy spa that he hadn’t heard of before and adventure ensues.
Initially, Frasier doesn’t even know what the invitation was for because it mysteriously only gave a business name but no additional details.
The invitation was fancy, though, so obviously Frasier’s life was completely inadequate until he could experience whatever this place was that he didn’t know existed two seconds before. A place that could’ve been a museum of toenail clippings for all he knew. (I don’t think those exist but if they did, I would imagine they might use fancy invitations. I mean, you’d have to entice people somehow. That’s a hard sell.)
Anyway, Frasier and his brother figure out the place is an exclusive spa, and they finagle their way in using the stolen invitation.
The brothers enjoy a spa day and are elated with the exquisite pampering they receive. As they prepare to leave completely satisfied, they notice a U.S. senator going into a separate area behind a gold door. They can’t resist asking the front desk what was behind the door and are told they aren’t allowed to know because they aren’t on the “gold level” list.
This rejection, of course, immediately sullies the experience they were grateful for moments before. They now feel disdain because they “only” got the basic level of service – even though they weren’t supposed to have service at all since they stole the invitation in the first place.
The brothers eventually manipulate their way into the gold level and are once again satisfied –
until they see a platinum door.
The whole thing plays out again and they figure out a way to get through the platinum door – by literally hurling themselves into it – in search of the next elusive level of service. As they explode through the door in desperation they discover:
the platinum door was actually just a metal exit door leading into the alley behind the spa.
Ha!
They had gotten so greedy in their level-hopping that they were no longer in the spa at all, but next to dumpsters, unable to get back in.
I’ve always loved that episode because it’s such a great analogy. Sometimes we feel perfectly happy and grateful in our lives until we suspect someone else has something better. Then we feel indignant. We, too, deserve that better thing, we think to ourselves, and now we simply can’t be satisfied with the thing we have.
I’ve had to check myself multiple times in my career to see if I was reaching for something because it’s what I truly wanted, or if I was getting caught up in the rip current of comparison.
Beware the Hierarchical FOMO
When I first moved to D.C. in college, I was thrilled just to intern in the White House. But then it felt like I was “just” an intern. I wasn’t part of the full-time staff, and the full-time staff felt like a better place to be. So, I pursued that.
Once I was a full-time staffer, I then realized there were “levels” of staff within the staff. The higher levels held people with more powerful bosses, or more access to the Presidential M&Ms. (Yes those exist and yes I still have the box from the first time I obtained some at the White House Mess.)
Obviously, I hadn’t made it through all the good doors yet if I couldn’t eat candy-coated chocolate stamped with an official seal whenever I pleased. It seemed I was on the inside, yet remained outside the innermost circles.
For some people, merely stepping foot inside the Executive Office of the President of the United States would be a dream come true. Yet there I was, working in it daily but worried I was missing some even better level somewhere.
We’re all at risk for this ridiculous comparison trap and what I call hierarchical FOMO. If we aren’t careful, we can get so focused on the next level up that we lose the joy of being in whatever place we’re at now. A place, mind you, our former selves would’ve considered stealing a neighbor’s invitation just to be in.
At some point you have to decide if you’re already happy. Goals are great, but on your terms. Just because a level “above” you exists, doesn’t mean you would enjoy it more. In fact, there’s a management principal that says people are often promoted to a level of incompetence because we blindly move up a ladder into new jobs we won’t even enjoy or be good at!
By all means go after new levels – but only if it’s something you actually know you want. And practice being grateful for wherever you are today – even if you do decide you want to pursue the “next” level. Just remember not to get too carried away thinking others must have it better.
The door that looks enticing might just lead to a dumpster alley.
